Let me begin by saying how vastly improved the manuscript is. The writing it tighter, the story flows better, it’s a much better book. However, there are a few areas that I think can use a little more work.
The scene in the crypt that is now a dream works much better. No need for the supernatural – you won’t abandon any readers this way. It works so much better. I was really pleased with this.
Richard and Angela’s relationship is much more believable now. You explained your thoughts on the relationship to me earlier and I can see what you were trying to accomplish now. It has been accomplished in the rewrite.
Angela is a much more rounded character now.
You need to watch a few things:
A lot of the dialogue back and forth is too dull – there needs to be action. The conversations are important but there needs to be more than just two talking heads with no action: why can’t the pause, scratch their chins, pour drinks, walk around, etc. Have one of them doing something so there is some action in the scenes to make them more interesting.
Be wary of new paragraphs and the indentations. I’ve marked many of them, hopefully all of them. Also, be careful with the structure of your dialogue – I have pointed out a few examples of this.
Also, it’s good-bye not goodbye as one word (as per Websters Dictionary). I’ve changed as many of these as I can find.
Do you want to go with the actual year dates? It will date the book quickly. There’s nothing wrong with it but you may have to change the dates to correspond with a publishing date. You won’t want a book that has a story that’s already three years old by the time it is published. This is not a big deal, just a thought.
Page 70: the word ‘dude’ seems dated
Page 323: how did they know it was her watching the fire?